Finding Balance: Self-Care and Connection

Something that I have been discovering more about lately is the importance of balance.  I’m planning to write a handful of posts (3 at least) about finding balance in some areas of my life.  

The first one that I’d like to write about is finding balance with self-care and connection.  I had some ah ha moments with this particular balancing act a couple of months ago.  I was taking a class online called Wife for Life University.  At some point, I will probably write an entire post about this class and how great it is, but for now, you’ll just have to check it out yourself if you are interested.  The class is run by Ramona Zabriskie, the author of the book, Wife for Life.  

Something that Ramona talks about in the book (and class) is what she refers to as Romancing your own Heart.  Basically, this comes down to making sure that you are taking care of yourself and not expecting other people (especially your husband) to fill up your entire love tank.  People, and women especially, have a hole in their love tanks.  It is always leaking.  When we get love, affirmation, affection, etc,  we just want more, more, more.  It’s never enough.  That’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone else (especially our husbands), to always keep us feeling happy and loved.  So, instead, we can take care of ourselves, through what Ramona calls Delights. 

Delights are just little things that bring you joy.  Watching a sunset, reading a book, painting your nails, going for a bike ride, playing the piano, watching a movie, taking a bath, etc.  The list goes on, and on, and it’s a little bit different for everyone.   

Basically, the delights come down to taking care of ourselves.  It’s important to take care of ourselves so that we have something to give to others.  It’s hard to give from an empty tank.  

Throughout my 7 years of mothering, I have heard about this concept of self-care many, many times.  I often hear (or read about at least) a lot of moms say that they have a problem with doing things for themselves and/or they don’t feel like they are supposed to, or that they don’t deserve it. Or they just hide behind the excuse of being too busy.  They feel like they are just supposed to give everything they have to their family and that it’s selfish of them to take time out for themselves.

This hasn’t been my personal experience though.  I haven’t ever really felt this way. I know how important it is for me to pursue my own dreams (big and small) and I definitely make time for myself everyday. I know that in the afternoons, I really need downtime for myself.  Ever since my oldest was a baby, I have been in the routine of having time to myself during nap time in the afternoon.  My sanity needs it.

So whenever I would read articles about how important self-care is as a mom (and for everyone for that matter,) I was kind of conflicted inside.  On one hand, I would nod my head and think “yeah!  Taking care of myself and having time for myself is so important.  I get grumpy without it.”  But on the other hand, I would feel confused and think “but, I take time for myself at least once a day for a couple of hours…and I still feel grumpy (sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.)  Why?  Shouldn’t self- care be solving this for me?”

And this is where my “ah ha” moment came in.  During one of my Wife for Life classes, the one where Ramona was teaching us about delights, she said “Choose a delight that is the opposite of what is wearing you out.”  That really stuck out to me.  I think that for me, I have to reign in this “me time” instead of make room for it (ok, in some areas, I do need to make room for it, like recognizing when I am running low and giving myself a quick time out to calm down and regain control of my brain, but in general, I have enough alone time.) I appreciated the part in the book, where Ramona said:

 

“Delighting your own heart relieves everyone in the family from the impossible responsibility of making or keeping you happy from day to day. It frees your heart to spend less energy on those you love. Dazzling your heart can bring you joy and thrill your family as well – as long as you don’t take on too much and neglect them in the process. Do not go overboard: romancing your own heart is not a license to become selfish and insensitive. I remember an actress friend who came to me, not really for advice but for validation. Her conscience was pricked because she saw her husband and children minutes a day at best, and regularly spent weeks or even months away on location. “I know I’m a better wife and mother,” she said of her self- indulgence, “because I’m doing what I love.”

Her husband and children did not agree.

To make sure you do not slip into Irreleva or Betraya territory while taking the Pioneer Woman Challenge, ask yourself as honestly as possible and as frequently as necessary, “Is this challenge helping me to respond to my family with love, generosity, and intelligence? Or am I still reacting to situations because I feel more stressed than ever? Just as romancing your own heart can help you become a pioneer woman, its counterfeit, self-indulgence, brings out the Crazy Ladies.

You can avoid such self-deception by pursuing your passions in a measured, patient, inclusive way. Draw your husband and children (as much as possible and as much as they are interested) into your passions. Prioritize their well-being over that of everyone else in the world so they never have to question your why, your availability, or your love. Give their passions just as much enthusiasm as you give yours. If you can do that while you romance your own heart, then:

  • You will feel better and better about yourself, stronger and stronger at heart.
  • Your mental, emotional, and spiritual self-reliance will increase so that disillusionment cannot get a foothold, either in early marriage or in mid-life, when many women discover they have given to the point of exhaustion.
  • Confidence in and satisfaction with yourself will undergird all your relationships, especially your marriage. You will have more love to give.
  • Romance and reality can merge into a union of heart and mind. Because you have more patience, you won’t be offended so easily, you’ll forgive more readily, and you will have more fun and more romance.”

This was the answer that I had been seeking when I was internally confused about the importance of self-care. Self-care is not an excuse to be self-indulgent.  When we are self-indulgent, our relationships suffer and that can make us feel just as grumpy and unsettled as neglecting self-care can.  

So this brings me back to the advice that Ramona gave: Choose a delight that is the opposite of what is wearing you out.  

For example, if I have been giving a lot of myself to the kids and they are wearing me out, then I could choose to have some alone time to recharge; if I have been on the computer a lot, then I could choose to go step outside or something; if I have been running a strict schedule, then I could choose to be spontaneous; if I have been by myself (alone time) and feel grumpy when I come back to mothering, then I could choose to do something fun with the kids to reconnect with them; etc.

This point about the delights really stood out to me. In fact, when I got done with my Wife for Life class that morning, something happened with my 4 year old and I found that I was easily irritated with him and couldn’t manage my or his emotions. I had the thought “you’ve been spending too much time on your own pursuits today (because I had just spent the last couple hours on my class.) Go do something little with the kids that will help you feel like a good mom.” So I decided to read a couple of books to them before nap time. It wasn’t a big thing, but it helped me to feel better. And the kids felt happier too.

During nap time that day, I was just working on the computer and I noticed that it was really warm outside (for February at least.) I hadn’t been outside all day (since taking my oldest to school in the morning,) but I saw on the weather app that it was 55 degrees! My 2 1/2 year old daughter is always begging to go to the park (one with swings,) but it had been too cold.  At first, I thought “maybe I’ll take the kids to the park after I pick up my son up from school.” But I knew that it would probably start cooling off a bit by then, and then it’s time to make dinner…

And then I had the idea, “hey! why not be spontaneous! It’s 2:00, I still have a little over an hour until I need to pick up my son from school. This would be a good delight for me, especially since I didn’t spend much time with the kids this morning because I was doing my class.” So I decided to wake my baby up from her nap (broke the mom rule of never wake a sleeping baby. haha.), threw all of the kids in the van (My 2 year old wasn’t really napping anyway), and I told my daughter that I had a surprise for her. She was so excited when we got to the park. We went to the swing set and stayed there for the entire 45 minutes.  I just pushed her in the baby swing and my son in the big green chair swing. I also did some swinging myself. 🙂 It was a fun “delight.” Sometimes I really enjoy stepping out of the regular schedule of my life (even though I definitely thrive on my schedule) and do something fun and out of the norm. Plus, it was fun to see how happy the kids were to get out of the house and get to enjoy the swings. I really enjoyed getting some fresh air as well. 🙂

I definitely know that I have room for growth in this area. I want to take care of myself, but I don’t want to be self-indulgent. I also like the idea of drawing my husband and kids into my passions. I want to come up with more delights that involve them. Just little things that will boost me up and give me that shot of energy and joy, but also strengthen my relationship with my husband and with my kids.

Choosing something that is the opposite of what has been wearing me out (or that I have been indulging in) can help me to have more balance.  I can nurture myself through self-care, and also nurture my relationships through connection.  I think having that balance is really what helps to keep the grumps under control.

 

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