I have been learning a lot over the past month or so about how I can use the Atonement of Jesus Christ more in my everyday life. And I just thought I’d share what I’m learning by giving you a peek into my journal…
March 1, 2018
This morning when I was doing my meditation, I was doing a body scan and something that was said was “Do you notice any areas where you feel sensation? Any areas where you are storing emotion? Try to direct the breath into those areas. Breathe the soothing, healing breath into those areas and see if you can soften them.”
This reminded me of something that I heard on Jody’s podcast a few weeks ago. She was talking about when we feel negative emotions, like anxiety (or any other negative emotion), along with observing where we feel it in our body and what it feels like, we can “breath into it.” I like that.
Both of these remind me of Hypnobabies when I would focus my breath in the areas where I could feel the pressure of the contractions. I would breathe into those areas and say “peace.”
I could try that with my emotions. I can breathe into those areas (typically my racing heart, tense shoulders, etc.) and say peace. This will also help because I tend to hold my breath or have shallow breathing when I’m feeling a negative emotion.
And all of this, combined with what I wrote on my blog yesterday about Christ being my buffer, it made me think about the breath of life. I don’t know if this is officially one of Christ’s names, but I think it fits. Christ is the breath of life. Because of Him, we live.
I like the literal meaning and symbolic meaning of breathing, when it comes to our emotions.
First, we can physically breathe our literal breath into areas in the body where we are feeling a strong negative emotion. This helps to calm us physically, and mentally/emotionally as well.
Second, we can symbolically breathe Christ in. This is the way to receive true, real, peace and calm.
This reminds me of some lines from the song, Cleanse You.
What if I didn’t bring you here to drown you, but to cleanse you?, He whispers
And what if you chose to breathe me in, let this wash you clean again,
He whispers, He whispers
I know the water’s deep but if you only knew
It isn’t meant to drown you, but to cleanse you.
What if we chose to breathe Christ in? What if we chose to let Him be our buffer?
March 4, 2018
Reading Alma 33 this morning and these verses stood out to me…
19 Behold, he was spoken of by Moses; yea, and behold a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live. And many did look and live.
20 But few understood the meaning of those things, and this because of the hardness of their hearts. But there were many who were so hardened that they would not look, therefore they perished. Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them.
21 O my brethren, if ye could be healed by merely casting about your eyes that ye might be healed, would ye not behold quickly, or would ye rather harden your hearts in unbelief, and be slothful, that ye would not cast about your eyes, that ye might perish?
22 If so, wo shall come upon you; but if not so, then cast about your eyes and begin to believe in the Son of God, that he will come to redeem his people, and that he shall suffer and die to atone or their sins; and that he shall rise again from the dead, which shall bring to pass the ressurection, that all men shall stand before him, to be judged at the last and judgment day, according to their works.
23 And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen.
All that Moses’ people had to do was to look at Aaron’s staff with the serpent on it and they would be healed. That’s all they had to do. But many of them wouldn’t because they doubted that it would work. They doubted that it would heal them. They thought it was too easy.
We do the same thing with Christ. We look everywhere else for healing because we often feel like turning to Christ and “breathing Him in” is too easy. It won’t work because it’s too easy.
I know that I have fallen into that trap (and I’m sure I will again) tons of times throughout my life.
I want to start (more like continue to practice) believing that Christ has the power to heal me. And ALL I have to do is turn to Him. It really is simple. And It really does work.
March 10, 2018
This morning, I was feeling really grumpy. Jershon and I got in a fight last night and although we worked it out, I was still harboring some suppressed shame (our fight happened because I had been suppressing some shame in the first place (which didn’t even have anything to do with him) and then I took it out on him.) Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I felt pretty calm. But then we had to rush and get ready to go to a baptism that started at 9 am. Rushing around, mixed with the suppressed shame, didn’t make for a good combo. I was getting irritated at the kids, picking little arguments and fights, etc. We went to the baptism and I was still feeling pretty grumpy.
When we got home, we got ready to go to Park City (we had planned to take the kids skiing.)
I was still feeling irritated and grumpy. I really didn’t want to keep feeling that way. I didn’t want to ruin my whole day over it. And it was just building up more shame because I don’t like myself when I’m irritated and grumpy.
Anyway, I decided “hey. I don’t have to keep feeling this way. I am gonna go take a little break and go meditate.” So that’s what I did. I closed myself in my room, sat on the floor, and did a meditation from the calm app. That helped a little, but not all the way. So I decided to say a prayer. I decided to experiment on the word again and see if I could buffer with Christ and if He could give me some peace.
I prayed and told Heavenly Father that I was feeling shame and I didn’t want to feel grumpy and irritated anymore. I asked Him to speak peace to my soul. I asked Him to help me to feel happier. And then I took some deep breaths and on the exhale, I would whisper “peace”. I tried to focus this breath into my heart.
And you know what, after my prayer I really did feel much less irritation and more peace. I took a minute to relax my face (my face gets really tense when I’m feeling negative emotion). I stretched out my mouth and I practiced smiling. And then I made the decision to make the day better than it had started.
I went downstairs and actively changed my tone of voice and attitude.
It really did help. I really feel that Christ offered me His peace and I took it.
March 19, 2018
When I woke up this morning, I was feeling a lot of shame. I have been really irritated lately with a few different people in my life. I have also been really frustrated with my church calling the past few weeks. Instead of coming home from church feeling somewhat energized, I come home moody and drained. I realize that this has pretty much everything to do with my thoughts and I have more control over this than I like to admit in the moment.
Anyway, I was just feeling a lot of shame and discouragement and feeling like maybe I’m never going to not be a horrible person and I’ll never be someone who is loving and kind. Again, I know that this isn’t true. I know that I’m not a horrible person. But sometimes I get stuck in a rut, feeling like I am just this ugly (not necessarily physically) person who can’t get her act together. I feel like a fraud because “I’m passionate about personal growth” but yet, I don’t seem to get any better. (when I’m thinking clearly, I know that I actually have made progress and will continue to make progress but it’s an uphill battle.)
I have been lazy the past week and not getting up very early to do my official morning routine (we’ve been going to bed late). This morning I did a mini routine. I just read my scriptures and said my prayers.
The verses that I happened to be on were in Alma 36…
5 Now, behold, I say unto you, if I had not been born of God I should not have known these things; but God has, by the mouth of his holy angel, made these things known unto me, not of any worthiness of myself;
6 For I went about with the sons of Mosiah, seeking to destroy the church of God; but behold, God sent his holy angel to stop us by the way.
7 And behold, he spake unto us, as it were the voice of thunder, and the whole earth did tremble beneath our feet; and we all fell to the earth, for the fear of the Lord came upon us.
8 But behold, the voice said unto me: Arise. And I arose and stood up, and beheld the angel.
9 And he said unto me: If thou wilt of thyself be destroyed, seek no more to destroy the church of God.
10 And it came to pass that I fell to the earth; and it was for the space of three days and three nights that I could not open my mouth, neither had I the use of my limbs.
11 And the angel spake more things unto me, which were heard by my brethren, but I did not hear them; for when I heard the words—If thou wilt be destroyed of thyself, seek no more to destroy the church of God—I was struck with such great fear and amazement lest perhaps I should be destroyed, that I fell to the earth and I did hear no more.
12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
14 Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.
16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.
18Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, wha joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
22 Yea, methought I saw, even as our father Lehi saw, God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising their God; yea, and my soul did long to be there.
When I read these verses, a few things stuck out to me. First, I remembered someone’s testimony that was shared during fast and testimony meeting a few weeks ago. I don’t remember who’s it was. They talked about the contrast between Alma’s first thoughts about being in God’s presence – “the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.” And then the thought that he had after he had called upon Christ then gone through the 3 days and nights of repenting. “methought I saw, even as our father Lehi saw, God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising their God; yea, and my soul did long to be there.”
Such an important and interesting contrast. Going from complete dread, fear, horror to a complete longing to be there. What was the change? It was Christ. Alma turned to Christ and then was able to be healed.
This made me think about my current predicament of feeling shame and horrible about myself. I said a heartfelt prayer and told Heavenly Father about what I was feeling and why. I expressed my frustrations and discouragement. And then I told Him that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I asked him to speak peace to my soul, and love to my heart. I asked Him to bless me with self compassion and with higher thoughts and a better view of who I really am. I “breathed” Christ in by literally taking deep breaths and when I exhaled, I would whisper peace to myself and direct my breath into my heart.
After I finished my prayer, I immediately noticed a difference in how I felt. I felt peace and comfort and the motivation to get up, and keep going. Keep trying. Keep improving.
*image source
A few minutes later, I was getting ready for the day and I decided to listen to one of my favorite songs – Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone). I love this song. Here are the lyrics:
Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see
Through countless dangers, doubts and fears
I have already come
Gods grace has brought me safely here
And grace will lead me home
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
His guiding hand shall be my stay
His strength with me abide
And though I stumble day by day
He shall not leave my side.
My chains are gone, I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace.
This earth will one day melt like snow
The sun refuse to shine
Yet God, who sent me here below
Will be forever mine.
You’ll be forever mine.
In my dark moments, I feel discouraged and start to feel despair, but then I turn to Christ and I am able to see that He has led me here and He will continue to lead me on. He’s never forsaken me.
And you know what, even though it’s not like I was all of a sudden jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear without a care in the world, I felt joy. It was more subtle, but it was still joy. Christ replaced my pain and fear with joy.
I realize that to some people, my “problems” don’t look like a big deal at all. And you’re right. In the grand scheme of things, my current problems are very minimal and insignificant. I am grateful for that. But even in my very blessed life, I’m still human. I still have my moments of weakness where I give into temptation and I have unproductive, negative thoughts – which create negative emotions. And those don’t feel good. But I am grateful for what they are teaching me and I’m grateful for how I am learning more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ through these experiences.
I am gaining a stronger testimony of Jesus Christ and His power to heal me and to speak peace to my soul. All I have to do is look and live.
Behold, he was spoken of by Moses; yea, and behold a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live. And many did look and live. (Alma 33:19)
