Do you ever get really frustrated with your kids? And then get frustrated with yourself for not feeling loving towards them? I do. I mean, I’m their mother! I brought them into this world! They are my flesh and blood! I feel like a really bad mom when I am not feeling love for my kids. What’s wrong with me? Sometimes this is just in short spurts of frustration, but other times, there can be a particular child that I just have a rough time with for long amounts of time. That particular child just frustrates and annoys me over and over again. And I get frustrated with myself for not feeling very consistent (for a period of time) love towards them.
(And yes, I will admit that these are just my thoughts… and those thoughts produce the results of being frustrated and annoyed. I realize that I have more power over these situations than I like to admit sometimes. Sometimes I just fall into victim mentality. And sometimes the process of it all teaches me a lesson that I need to learn.)
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
Sometimes I just can’t muster up much genuine love for a particular child. I know, that sounds terrible. I hope I’m not the only mother that feels this way about my kids sometimes.
When I have thought about this in the past, I have just thought “just love them! That’s all you have to do is love them.” That sounds great in the quiet moment of my mind, but in real life practice, sometimes it’s hard. Because in those moments, I honestly am not feeling the love. How am I supposed to show that love in my actions if I’m not feeling it? Yes, there is the “fake it till you make it” method, and I do see some good in that, but sometimes I can’t even muster up enough energy to fake it.
During my routine this morning, I was thinking about what I can learn from this and what I can practice doing about this particular issue of mine.
I was listening to a conference talk by President Dieter F. Utchdorf yesterday morning called Perfect Love Casteth out Fear. This part stood out to me…
“My beloved friends, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, if we ever find ourselves living in fear or anxiety, or if we ever find that our own words, attitudes, or actions are causing fear in others, I pray with all the strength of my soul that we may become liberated from this fear by the divinely appointed antidote to fear: the pure love of Christ, for “perfect love casteth out fear.”
Christ’s perfect love overcomes temptations to harm, coerce, bully, or oppress.Christ’s perfect love allows us to walk with humility, dignity, and a bold confidence as followers of our beloved Savior. Christ’s perfect love gives us the confidence to press through our fears and place our complete trust in the power and goodness of our Heavenly Father and of His Son, Jesus Christ.In our homes, in our places of business, in our Church callings, in our hearts, let us replace fear with Christ’s perfect love. Christ’s love will replace fear with faith!His love will enable us to recognize, trust, and have faith in our Heavenly Father’s goodness, His divine plan, His gospel, and His commandments. Loving God and our fellowmen will turn our obedience to God’s commandments into a blessing rather than a burden. Christ’s love will help us become a little kinder, more forgiving, more caring, and more dedicated to His work.
As we fill our hearts with the love of Christ, we will awaken with a renewed spiritual freshness and we will walk joyfully, confidently, awake, and alive in the light and glory of our beloved Savior, Jesus Christ.”
From this, I learn that I should focus on this one thing: Replace fear with Christ’s perfect love.
Replace the fear that motivates me (subconsciously usually) with Christ’s love. Allow Christ’s love to motivate me.
Replace the fear that I sometimes motivate my children with (again, subconsciously) with Christ’s love. Allow myself to feel Christ’s love for my children and see them through God’s eyes. With that love, I will be able to be a much more effective mom, teacher, friend, etc. for them.
Even when I am not feeling the love towards someone (especially my kids, because they are the ones that test me the most), I can take on Christ’s identity (almost as if I’m acting as Him in a play or something). I can ask myself “what would Christ do? How would Christ act? How would Christ treat them? What would Christ say?” And then do my best to act as Christ would. I think that this is part of “taking Christ’s name upon me”.
I can borrow His identity and His love for a bit, until it starts to become more ingrained in me and comes more genuinely from my own heart. Until then, it can still be genuine love, but instead of coming from my heart, I will just be the instrument. The love is still genuine, but it’s from Christ, not me.
Here is a story that I remember hearing during the General Women’s meeting a few weeks ago…(Neill F. Marriott, Abiding in God and Repairing the Breach, October 2017)
“One memorable night a relative and I disagreed about a political issue. She briskly and thoroughly took my comments apart, proving me wrong within earshot of family members. I felt foolish and uninformed—and I probably was. That night as I knelt to pray, I hurried to explain to Heavenly Father how difficult this relative was! I talked on and on. Perhaps I paused in my complaining and the Holy Ghost had a chance to get my attention, because, to my surprise, I next heard myself say, “You probably want me to love her.” Love her? I prayed on, saying something like, “How can I love her? I don’t think I even like her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.”
Then, surely with help from the Spirit, I had a new thought as I said, “But You love her, Heavenly Father. Would You give me a portion of Your love for her—so I can love her too?” My hard feelings softened, my heart started to change, and I began to see this person differently. I began to sense her real value that Heavenly Father saw. Isaiah writes, “The Lord bindeth up the breach of his people, and healeth the stroke of their wound.”Over time the gap between us sweetly closed. But even if she had not accepted my changed heart, I had learned that Heavenly Father will help us love even those we may think are unlovable, if we plead for His aid. The Savior’s Atonement is a conduit for the constant flow of charity from our Father in Heaven. We must choose to abide in this love in order to have charity for all.When we give our heart to the Father and the Son, we change our world—even if circumstances around us do not change. We draw closer to Heavenly Father and feel His tender acceptance of our efforts to be true disciples of Christ. Our discernment, confidence, and faith increase.
Mormon tells us to pray with all energy of heart for this love and it will be bestowed upon us from its source—Heavenly Father. Only then can we become repairers of the breach in earthly relationships.”
Like Sister Marriott, I feel like this sometimes too. “How can I love him/her? I don’t think I even like him/her. My heart is hard; my feelings are hurt. I can’t do it.”
But God loves him/her. He can give me a portion of His love for him/her—so I can love him/her too.
From all of this, I am learning that the thing that I need focus on is to pray for charity. Charity is something that I hear about often at church. I have heard Moroni 7:46-48 so many times throughout my life.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
For some reason, until this morning, it hadn’t occurred to me to actually take Moroni’s challenge seriously though – to actually pray and ask for God to fill my heart with the gift of charity.
I’m not sure why, but I think that part of me has always kind of seen charity as the crowning attribute. I do think that it is the highest attribute, but I think that this has kept me from pursuing it very seriously before. For some reason, I kind of see it as the top of the pyramid and I have to build up all the other layers before I can ask to be given that top piece.
I don’t think that’s true though. I believe that all Christlike attributes are so intertwined. Even though they do build upon one another, I think that they share a lot of similarities and when we develop one, we are also developing aspects of others at the same time. I also think that we can pray for charity, even as we are working to develop the other attributes. Charity probably comes in pieces, just like all of the the other attributes.
Something that I am going to focus more attention on is to pray to be filled with Christ’s love. Pray to borrow some of Christ’s love until it becomes my own. Pray to know how He would act, speak, etc. Pray for the Holy Ghost to remind me how to act and what to do in those heated moments when I usually just react and lose my ability to think and respond intentionally.
I feel like, I, personally have a guarded heart for some reason. This is something that I have been trying to dissect for a while. But while I am figuring that out, I can borrow Christ’s love. And I have faith that borrowing Christ’s love and filling my heart with it, will help to heal my own heart along the way.
Christ is the bridge. I can borrow His love when I don’t have my own to give.
Photo by Joseph Yates on UnsplashP.S. I really do love my children most of the time. But I’m just being honest and transparent. There are also moments when they really drive me crazy and that love is buried really deep down. Haha.
